Day 9: Wedding Day #3

Now that Bishakha was married, the only thing left was to send her away, in a ceremony my friend Neema calls "the kiss and cry." Basically, everyone gathers in front of the house, and the groom's family comes and takes the bride away as her family stays there and watches. It doesn't sound fun, and it wasn't - Sandeep and Bishakha were taking a horse-drawn carriage to Sandeep's Grandmother's house, and the receding monsoon rains had softened the roads enough that they were delayed about a half-hour. All that time, Bishakha sat in a chair in front of her mother, father, and brother, who all tried very hard not to start crying. Her father (subtly) broke down a couple of times, but finally the carriages arrived, and the wedding procession paraded through the streets - the band, then the carriages, then a few cars following behind (Bishakha had said Bonu and I would ride in the carriages with her, but the driver absolutely refused, saying it was against tradition, so we took a dry, non-smelly car instead).

Once we arrived at Sandeep's home, there were a few more ceremonies - blessings aside, the best was a game between Bishakha and her mother in law. Both kneeled on the floor, on either sides of a huge bowl filled with some sort of grain, and a few tokens (money, coins, a ring) - the bowl was upended in a tray, and the two women fight to be the first to find these items. The tradition emerged as a way to determine which woman would be dominant in the household (since brides traditionally move in with the groom's parents); although it doesn't work that way anymore, I still rooted for Bishakha!

Afterwards, we were finally allowed to escape - Bishakha, Sandeep, Bhothu, Bonu and I went to relax in the newlywed's room for a few minutes. The festivities had even extended this far - the bed was decorated with garlands, and a heart of flowers on the bed cover was filled with the inscription "B + S". Sandeep was embarrassed, but he'd threatened to decorate all the cars in like fashion, so I think this was a fair compromise!

We had yet another reception, eating yet another buffet lunch in yet another tent, sitting on yet more folding chairs. Creepy uncle was still creepy, too, but I sat with Bishakha's father to deflect most of the creepiness. After the lunch, Bonu and I went to our separate homes, leaving Bishakha to her new life.

I had planned on getting some school work done that afternoon, assuming I'd be left alone, but I think Bishakha's parents were afraid that I would get bored or lonely, because I didn't get a moment of peace! Samar, the young cousin, came home with me, and we talked and watched TV for hours. Finally, he left and I got a bit of work done, but then Bhothu came over for awhile - we watched a movie, had a drink, and then he had to get home. As soon as he left, Bishakha's brother came up to see that I was okay, and find out what I wanted for breakfast the next morning. By then, it was almost 10 and nearing my bedtime, especially with a threatened power outage, and very little work had been done.

Giving up, I went downstairs to say goodnight to Bishakha's parents. Her father cried - this was a nightly ritual for Bishakha, their baby, and wouldn't be anymore - but they were happy to have me around (a poor substitute, it's true, but a substitute all the same!). Reassuring them that I had all of the company, food, drinks, and everything else I could possibly want, I headed back upstairs to get a good night's sleep.

Day 8: Wedding Day #2

Starting today, each morning for the rest of my trip dawned rainy, clearing up by late morning. According to Bishakha, these are the "receding monsoons," which are somehow different (less severe?) than regular monsoons; all I know is that rain on the wedding day was not, to me, a good sign. However, Bishakha's aunts told her that wedding-day rain is a good sign - hard to say if this is yet another tradition different from my own, or if it was just her aunts trying to make her feel better about having a rainy wedding day.

Today was the day for me to dress up. Bishakha was determined that I get the royal treatment, so we both had our hair done by a professional stylist who came to the house, one of Bishakha's friends did my make-up for me (after I put on eyeliner I considered "heavy" only to be asked if I was planning to put any eyeliner on ...), and I donned a gorgeous hand-embroidered sari Bishakha designed and ordered especially for me. I wasn't sure about the outfit - I was deathly afraid I would step on a hem and have it all fall off - but I certainly looked amazing by the time these people were done with me! These people know their stuff!

The formal "engagement" took place mid-day. As we put the finishing touches on the bride, suddenly, from Bishakha's room, we heard the sound of an approaching brass band - the groom-to-be was on his way! We ran downstairs to find the courtyard set up with throne-like chairs for Bishakha and Sandeep, and a huge audience waiting. Bonu, me and Bishakha's other friends gathered behind the bride-to-be, her "ladies in waiting," so to speak, and stood at attendance through the ceremony. Bishakha and Sandeep, decorated with garlands, sat and patiently (and nervously) listened to the chanting of the priest, never making eye contact. Finally, after about half an hour, the engagement was over, Sandeep and his band left, and us girls hurried back up stairs. Only a few hours before the wedding!

The intervening hours were spent eating, gossiping, and stressing, as I would imagine often happens immediately before a wedding. Finally, at the hour that had been deemed "auspicious" by priests comparing the star charts of the bride and groom, Sandeep's band (and Sandeep himself) approached again. Suddenly, people were pushing me towards the door - "You have to go downstairs!"

I got down to the first floor before I noticed that, instead of my embroidered red slippers, bought to match the sari, I was wearing fuzzy brown Pooh-bear slippers to keep my feet warm!! I ran back up to the bedroom, switched footwear, chastised the girls for letting me run out wearing those things, and then hurried back to the courtyard.

In place of the chairs was a couch, draped in a white sheet, on which Bishakha and Sandeep were meant to sit. Traditionally, this should be the wedding bed - in the post-wedding procession (day #3), it should be taken to the groom's home (where the bride and groom will live), having been appropriately blessed. However, the procession was going to Sandeep's Grandma's home, where the two were going to live temporarily while their new apartment was completed, and at any rate, the wedding bed had already been set up at the new place, so the couch was used as an acceptable substitute.

Again, there was an audience in the courtyard, but this time, the process was much more interactive. The main highlight of this part of the ceremony was a ritualistic foot-washing. Bishakha and Sandeep propped their feet over a large copper urn, and family members came up to wash the new couple's feet and give them their blessings. This took over an hour, as the family members just kept coming, but finally it was finished. (The mehendi is often put on feet as well as hands, but Bishakha had refused specifically because of this ceremony - she was worried it would wash off too quickly and her feet would just look dirty.)

After the foot-washing, the priests began (or continued) chanting, as Bonu and I leaned against the back of the couch and chatted. Suddenly, Sandeep turned around: "Don't touch the couch!!!" We both backed up, shocked and a bit nervous, and he explained that the incantations currently being chanted were meant to tie Bishakha and Sandeep together - via the couch - for seven lifetimes, and that if Bonu and I were too close to the couch, we too would be included in this cosmic connection!

Throughout the ceremony, people had trickled away, and finally the bride and groom (and Bonu and myself) were allowed to go get dinner as well. There was a band, dancing, and more delicious food, but we were only allowed to relax for a few minutes before being summoned back to the house - Bishakha and Sandeep had to get ready for the "real" wedding.

The next few hours consisted of the hard-core rituals, as Bishakha, Sandeep and two priests sat around a fire in the courtyard. The fire burned in a clay pit that had been built days earlier, and was surrounded by offerings of various sorts for the gods. Neither Bonu and I managed to stay awake through the entire process, but instead lasted until Bonu's favorite part of the ceremony. The bedsheet (earlier draped on the couch) was tied around Bishakha's waist, and Sandeep led her around the fire four times, performing specific blessings at specific points around the circuit. At the end, the sheet was held to Bishakha's forehead, and Sandeep put red powder in her hair, at her part, to symbolize the marriage (this symbol is one only married women may wear).

Finally, it was too much, and Bonu and I went upstairs to go to bed. Samar, Bishakha's little cousin, made a bed on the ground, and we all fell right asleep. Somewhere outside, the rituals went on.